It’s all a Matter of Perspective
Have you ever noticed how two people can have a completely different view of the same thing? How something one person considers interesting is perceived as boring by someone else? How what one person calls beautiful another calls questionable or even ugly? How one person thinks of something as a weakness, and someone else considers it a strength?
This weekend, I had a great reminder of how differently we all view certain things – especially personality traits.
It was girls weekend – something we do a couple of times a year. For this weekend, the girls asked me to run them through one of the exercises from my book (which, by the way, is available now – more here). The exercise I chose for this is about finding the positive in things we don't like about ourselves.
I think that many of us, and women in particular, are often very hard on ourselves. We can be very harsh in how we judge ourselves, not realising that most of what we consider negative about ourselves also has a positive side. Often our strengths and weaknesses are very closely related, and the same thing that we don't like about ourselves is something we do like in other situations. Or we simply get so hung up on something we consider a negative that we don't notice other people like and admire us for it. This exercise is about bringing those positive aspects of something we consider a negative trait to the forefront.
As we were working through the exercise (full detail of it are below), some of the girls were struggling to find something positive in what they considered a negative, so I invited them to share it with the group and ask others for help in finding the positive. The conversation that evolved from this was amazing.
It was interesting to see how we all had something we didn't like about ourselves and struggled to find anything positive about – but others could see the good right away. In many cases, others didn't even think it was something negative to begin with.
It was fascinating to see how often something we don't like about ourselves is something other people really value us for.
One of the girls was worried she is too loud while the rest of us were admiring her energy and loved her entertaining stories. Another one of my friends thought she was too quiet while myself and others thought her calm energy and thoughtfulness are what makes her such a great friend. One of the girls didn't like that she always thinks out loud and often says whatever comes to her mind – to which another one of the girls replied: "are you kidding, I LOVE that I always know where I'm at with you".
I could go on with more examples. For every negative thing that was mentioned, at least one of the other girls in the group could easily see the positive. More often than not, something someone didn't like about herself was the same thing that someone else really valued them for.
Seeing this conversation evolve, reminded me that hardly anything in life is just good or bad.
There are two sides to almost any story, and it's all just a matter of perspective.
But here is the thing that’s been on my mind ever since we had that session on the weekend. None of us would know that what we doubt and criticise ourselves for is exactly the same thing others value us for if we hadn’t spoken up and shared.
I think all of us felt a bit uncomfortable to share our doubts and insecurities with the group. But if we hadn't, we wouldn't have given others the chance to help us see the positive. We wouldn't have heard how much they value us because of those exact things – and not despite them.
I doubt that knowing this will miraculously make our doubts and insecurities disappear. They've been there for a long time, and they won't go away overnight just because someone says "but I like you BECAUSE of that". But I do think it helps. I think it helps us to remember that a lot of our self-doubts are just stories we're telling ourselves. They are not facts! I think it helps to hear that others value us – including, and especially, the parts we don't always like ourselves.
It helps us to remember that everything is a matter of perspective!
But if we never let our guard down, if we never openly admit our weaknesses, fear or insecurities in front of others, we don't give them the chance to show us their perspective. And we don't give ourselves the opportunity to hear that, what we doubt ourselves for is what others love us for.
Turning Negatives Into Positives – How the Exercise Works
For those of you who are interested in running the ‘turning negatives into positives' exercise with friends or family, here are the steps.
Before you get started
Make sure you do this with a group where each member has at least one other person who knows them well and where everyone trusts each other
Do it when everyone is relaxed, you have time and won't be interrupted. Often, it will lead to fascinating conversations, and you don't want to have to rush those
Mention at the beginning that sharing is optional. If someone doesn't feel comfortable sharing their doubts, that is perfectly fine. There cannot be any pressure for them to do so. Often, people will start sharing when others do, but everyone must respect the fact that some might choose not to.
Make sure everyone understands that this exercise is not about changing yourself or eliminating weaknesses or negatives. It’s simply about accepting who we are and creating awareness for the fact that there is something positive in almost any negative trait.
Most importantly, remind everyone that this is a time for supporting each other in a positive way. That means, only positive statements are allowed. This is not the time to tell someone that their self-doubts are accurate and that they need to change. There are other occasions for that.
Make sure everyone has a pen and paper handy.
The Exercise:
It’s pretty simple and consists of only three steps.
Think about and write down things you don't like about yourself. This can be absolutely anything!
Now try and find something positive about each negative trait you wrote down. Really think about this and try hard. Think big. Maybe something is negative in certain situations but a strength in others? Maybe the underlying trait is the same thing that causes something you like about yourself?
Once everyone has tried to see the positive themselves, open it up to the group for discussion. Everyone is invited to share one or more of their negative traits and ask the group to help them find something positive. Take turns and make sure everyone who offers to share gets time, focus and input from the group before you move on.
Hopefully, this exercise will be able as valuable and meaningful for your group as it was for us.